End of year blues.... moment to complain/tantrum

i think i need to grow up. i had one guy tell me that i was mature, and intelligent today, WOW was that a shock to me. i mean, sure i'm smart, i make the grade, i try to learn in class too, but honestly, i don't really look at myself and think of intelligence (that's because i look at myself and am immediately distracted by my middle) well, i was thrown for a loop, but it was nice to hear from a boy (even one who is constantly talking about the quality of girls busts and butts). it's sad that i won't have that class again, how ever much i complained about having to go to it every day, despite all the times that i "cut" it, or rather went until the teacher stopped teaching to allow us to talk and begged permission to get out of class early. (that class was non-stop talking from the students, and the teacher hardly did anything, sure i still learned, but i could learn from objects in a paper bag...)

I'll miss all my graduating seniors. Chance, Lyddia, NICHOLAS, Mike, Dylin, Chelsey, Heather, Annette, Megans, etc. they're all moving on, and many will forget me, but i'm still here, and i won't forget them, because they've all made a change in my life (i'm not gonna tell you why Nicholas is all caps, that's just yours to guess)

here's my complaint corner:

• i love it, well, really, hate it, how people sign your yearbook, let's hang out over the summer, but nobody ever does. i always tell people that i'll see them in the fall, or not again at all, because that's how it is. you're not gonna go out of your way to hang out with someone over the summer who you didn't even give more than a time a day when you were forced to sit in a class room with them for 70 minutes a day. that's how it is. you can put that it the yearbook of a close friend, or a wardie, but someone who you saw infrequently, and could easily forget in an academy award 'thank-you' speech, isn't gonna care if you "call [them] this summer" (okay, maybe i'm bitter about this one because all my friends would tell me that we'd spwend time together on the last day of school, and the next time i would see them is in the cafeteria on the first day of school...)

• family is family, they're allowed to touch you. well that's how i see it, anyhow, but if you ask my twin sister, i'm too close to her if i get within arms distance, and if i accidentally touch her, i've commited a crime against humanity. i love her, but she has bubble issues. i am glad that i have her, but i am glad that childhood ends so that sisters don't have to deal with eachothers' impossible quirks at close vicinity for life (that would suck) i love my sister, never get me wrong there. she is the best, and i really shouldn't ask for a better sister. she's a great gal, nice to have around, but hard on the self-esteem.... they say that "you shouldn't care what people think, because the ones who hurt you don't matter, and the ones that matter won't hurt you" i call that like it is BULL CRAP! the one who matters most hurts me so often, with just a look, a "go away", a shove away, etc. she has the most power to hurt me, more than any boy ever to walk past, and she has the most power to make me feel better, and all it would take some times is a long hug, but she NEVER hugs me, and when she does, it's for 2 seconds, then i get pushed away. i'm excited to go away fro school, because i'm positive that there we will become the best of friends, because we won't live together. :D

• men stink, they're tirds, and they should just grow up, i guess i need patience to wait for them to do that.... for now i'll invest all my love in my fish, Boyfriend, and then i won't have to worry about a broken heart...

it's late. i'm gonna sign off now. i'll try to write again soon.

que sera, sera :D

Drafted Text messages...

these are some texts that i wrote (usually when i was in a sad mood) they're sorta poetic, so i'm gonna place them here. i promise that i'm not always this depressing. just when school is a drag, and the guy i like is into my best friend... and she thinks his bad knee is a total turn off....

• this one was to that particular guy: "i smile because i have your friendship. i cry because SHE has your heart. I sigh because i've resigned to fail you. I stand firm, waiting with open arms to catch you when you fall." it's about the fact that we were gonna tell him that she didn't like him, but that never happened... i think he's figured it out now...

• this one was written on the bus, when i was tired, hungry and lonesome for his company when he was sitting right next to me.... "Don't be an idiot. Don't let the water works take over. It's your fault for hoping. Hope is the killer. Stu is wrong. It won't happen. He's just as blind from desire as you are. But you won't let desire hurt you. Do what you've always done. See the mark you want and run... in the opposite direction. Because it cannot happen this way. Not for you. You hope but progress is always met by a headwind. that is too strong to let die. You can't win." i was sad, but i'm better now, and see that the words in that text are self defeating... not helpful at all...

• my friend made a big mistake, and his parents were being harsh, so i wrote this one, but never sent it. "I'd like to take this chance to remind you to live each day to its best. Yesterday is gone and done. Don't regret it, celebrate it, and the opportunity of growth that tomorrow brings. Parents are parents, they are only looking out for your well being. When you have grown out of needing their hand, you'll be dead. Even if they are wrong, pretend they're right" it makes sense, but it's a little strange.

• this time i was REALLY sad, it was lunch, and i was incurably alone. it took 2 messages to write... yeah, i was sad... "I fit into many molds in a squeeze. I can get along with most anyone. I can talk it up with the highs or the lows. I can make jokes with anyone in the student body. But beyond playing nice, or being 'Facebook friends' or 'school-ground acquaintances' i want to find a bosom buddy. Someone who loves me, like i love them. Who is willing to put as much into a friendship as i am. Who wouldn't want that? I want someone who I can call at 1:00 am and they won't think me a stalker. Someone who actually understands me. Someone who i don't feel like a charity friendship. I want what i had with Rachel 8 years ago. but with someone who is around and won't abandon me. I guess i need to get over myself, but i think i deserve this dream. I think everyone does. I wish I could find my bosom friend to make life seem easier." this was no fun to write. but it was what i was thinking... yeah... i have a sad and pathetic mind...

yeah... i thought i'd get these out where they can be read. Since HE doesn't even know about this blog, i'm not afraid of him reading it...

Intro.

as you probably know, i have anther blog, it's about my life, and what's going on, well this one is a blog on what is running through my mind. it isn't meant to offend anyone, infact, it isn't really meant to be read, just written. i don't pretend to think that it won't be read, i hope it will. but it's meant to be more.... well, it's not about my life, just a commentary on society. simply my views, and if you don't care what i say, feel free to comment on that opinion, if youy disagree, feel free to comment, but i am what some people call "ignorantly stubborn" if i don't believe you, i won't change, and i won't flip or flop on what i see. so, have fun reading!